Pandon🐼【VA】 · @PandonVT
19th Jun 2021 from TwitLonger
It's been two weeks! So Let's have a little chat....
Hey.... Long time no see! How do I start this?
Well Lets start by saying that I know stuff I'm going to say will be.... concerning, upsetting and all sorts of stuff. But please try to not let my feelings and thoughts worry you. At the end of the day I will be okay. I don't plan on leaving this world anytime soon! So lets get into where I've been and what I've been feeling.
Depression is a bitch isn't it? She's heartless and cold and she has no remorse for your feelings or desires. I always get these down phases where I hate everything about myself. I hate my image, my work ethic, my relationships, my everything. I lay in bed and think about the point in life, most of the time coming to the conclusion that its not that worth it. But I stay anyways. I stay in this world and go through all the hate from myself and others. Why do I stay? Well its stupidly simple. I have hope. Hope to change for the better. Hope that somehow one way or another my life will turn around and I'll be able to be happy for once. I have that hope yet it's hard to act upon and make happen. But you know what else sucks?
Anxiety. It keeps me up at night. I shake my legs and I get restless. I'm up until I physically pass out. Which doesn't help the staying in bed and depressive thoughts. When I'm awake I pace and try to play games or do something to keep my mind of the depressive and anxious thoughts. If they seep in I have a anxiety attack where I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like the world is closing in and I'm going to be subject to darkness. Don't even get me started on what the suicidal thoughts do. The thought of death and what happens after is paralyzing.
Why bring this up? Well this is my life. This is me. This is the side you don't see. This is the side not many see at all. Not even my parents know the extent. Why? Because they don't understand me. There are many things I keep from them because of the previous toxicity I have experienced from them. I don't talk to people about how I feel. This twitlonger is somehow able to happen because it feels like another entry in my personal journal. Pressing that blue button that says "Post" is the hardest part.
What causes this? Well I live with it in minor everyday some days are harder than others. Some weeks are hard. But sometimes events will raise the intensity up by a lot. Breakups, confrontations, loneliness. What caused this one you may ask? Well a lot of things built up to this time and lets talk about it.
I'm not where I want to be in life, career and hobby. Physically I hate my body and I hate everything about myself. I'm slowly working on it but sometimes progress halts itself to the point where I feel incapable of change. The job I have does not pay me well enough to live on my own. From a previous breakup right before covid I was forced to move back into my parents home and now am in a position where I am under my toxic parents roof with no freedom and honestly shitty internet because they live in the middle of bum fuck country side where the only internet you can get is limited satellite that is slower than my great grandmothers decomposing body. My main use of internet is my phone and using its hotspot which is also limited. Yay. Anyways applying to other jobs has been unsuccessful so far but I will keep trying. Hobby. Well with the internet issues previously stated and my old laptop. It's difficult to make anything other than the audios I make. I have all PC parts available except for the lovely graphics card!! Thanks shortage. Thus making my vtubing hobby on pause for an undetermined amount of time as you can see from me only doing audios. Twitter of course is a place with people of all walks of life and I have met so many amazing people here. But it's also filled with scum and hateful people. Now if you know me you know I HATE conflict. I don't like arguing and bringing others down. Thus why I hate politics. The few times I speak my mind on topics is because of my passion to the subject. A previous load of posts I made on June 3rd are an example of that. Which... received A LOT of hate. A LOT of insults. And even death threats in my dms and such. Now usually things like this I can pass by and ignore. But with everything piling up.... it struck me down. I hate to admit it. I talked to an important person who said "stop. Just delete twitter off you phone since you keep looking at it." So I did. I deleted it off my phone and didn't look back. Honestly as I type this I STILL don't have it downloaded on my phone. Because in honesty I like not being here but I also miss it. I like supporting my friends. But I hate the spiteful side that is on twitter. The cancellers, the ratioers, the haters. But there's also this.
With Vtubing I came into it wanting to stream and make audio content. But at this point because of the many obstacles I am unable to do so at this moment. and I hate it. I don't like being a vtweeter. And at the end of the day I don't want that for myself. I don't want to be a Vtweeter that makes content. I want to be a Streamer/ Content Creator that has a twitter. Twitter is not and has never been the thing I want to have as a primary source of my content and at this point it sadly has been. But it's my only possible way at the moment. So sadly I will try and push and persevere. But in the meantime.... I will continue doing what I can to be the person I want to be.
So to friends or fans or whatever you align yourself with. I am sorry for dropping off unannounced. And I ask that you be understanding if I don't reply to your supportive comments or dms because I don't like talking about my feelings and I get very very very awkward when it's brought up. I do appreciate your kind words as affirmation is my love language but I never know how to respond since they have been few and far between in my life. And I want to say this. If you have only been my friend or talked to me for the sole purpose of being sexual or for "clout" please stop. Just because I am flirty and friendly doesn't mean you should take advantage of me. I have feelings. I'm much more soft then you would think. I cry during movies. I get jealous easily. I get insecure. I get upset when my message goes ignored. I get angry when I feel used. I feel things just like anybody else. Now that's not to say that people can't talk to me and get busy with life. That's normal! You can talk to me and befriend me at anytime. I am always open to conversations with people (since I am very lonely) Just DO NOT take advantage of me and my kindness.
So how is the future looking for me? Well I am working on my health and wanting to be the best me I can. I will try hard and become what I want. I want to keep applying to jobs and stuff to be able to move out and gather freedom. As for Vtubing... the process is slow but I will try to continue making content until I can make what I really want. But don't expect it to be constant and a lot. It'll be slow sometimes and a lot others. Id want to say that it'll be a lot constantly but I know that it wont and I want to be realistic.
Well now I don't really know what to say...
I'll just say that if you read this and understand my feelings or support me and care....
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I love you all and keep spreading kindness darlings!