Thoughts

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I just wanted to say my piece sort of in line with what Bulba's recent blog in response to 7ckingmad's comments.

First of all, there are so many toxic comments in general directed at community figures. Whether they are a tier 1 player or a personality in the scene or whatever. I think it's fun too, don't get me wrong. It's fun especially when people can roll with the punches and it makes the people more interesting and enjoyable. Whenever Demon makes a mistake we all smile hard and laugh and say "Classic Jimmy", it's fun. However, most of these players or personalities have little to no defense against hordes of negative comments.

I'm not championing for change or being a social rights activist, I'm simply looking to express my opinion and provide a reference for those who don't really understand what it's like from an outside perspective.

I want to say that a lot of the time, there are things that we, as spectators, are not privy to in the lives of the people we watch. Many times personal issues outside of the game can affect performance, practice schedules, mood and, understandably, focus. Bulba stated that when he was first recruited to Liquid things went poorly due to an extremely unfortunate event with his mother. I have to admit, even I was not aware and I did criticize Bulba within my own circle. I am not a saint, nor do I claim to be.

Recently a similar situation with Loda's performance during the matches I casted of Alliance in GESC qualifiers occurred. I saw floods of heartless flames thrown at someone who should be revered as one of the best players of all time in the legacy of this game, a TI champion, and a good person. It's fine to criticize play, it's fine to point out mistakes, but before you go ahead meme, understand that Loda also had a familial issue that was rather serious. I know it takes all the fun out of it, I get that it's entertainment and, at the end of the day, esports can be considered just that, but consider that for many players this is their life. I thought it was my duty as a caster to point out his perspective at the end of the broadcast, having read Loda's tweet before the match began.

Players are used to this treatment, no doubt. We all grow and find ways to deal with the relentless memes and negative comments that make us potentially insecure having heard it so many times. Dota players are more more removed from the community due to winning being the only worthwhile accomplishment. The opportunity cost of not putting 100% focus down on practice and becoming the best competitor you can be is a life-changing amount of money. Serious income, which can truly take a game where a career may be so hazy with absolutely no foresight for the years to come. Many of these players, the legends of the game, played due to passion and nothing else, the future didn't occur to us. What I am getting at is that many players just shut the outside world out, focus on themselves and if they win then they become your hero. No one wants to be a loser, no one wants to go to an event and take home nothing to show for it... for all their efforts. It is a profession, years of practice and skills developed for this top-heavy game of Dota. It is a psychological nightmare for the players who don't succeed, who are put in dubious situations with swaps, or simply cannot maintain form with outside pressures of life.

For myself... I've taken some of the worst blows this community has had to offer and only until recently has it truly been lifted. I deserved it, I acted out of bounds and emotional. I let it overcome me and I put out something that effectively cut my career short when I was considered one of the best players in the world. I could've overcome that, and honestly I did. I don't blame that or myself or the community. I took it and learned and grew to become someone who is honestly far more healthy than ever before.

I've been accused of many things, called many names but you guys were not the reason why I'm "washed up". I chose other things in life. I chose health, family, relationships. I chose all the things I had ignored trying my best to become the best player I could possibly be. I sacrificed everything, as many others do, for a future uncertain. Regardless, I loved every minute of it... I was extremely happy to have a goal in life, to attend The International. To be given an opportunity to showcase my passions and my work. I spent every waking moment of my life and even in my dreams figuring out how to be the best I could be. It was pure bliss knowing that the fruits of my labors were in my reach. I spent years, full-time preparing for this moment, even before Dota 2 was in Beta. I trained in Dota 1, HoN, League, knowing that my skills there would translate as a captain, as a skilled gamer in general, in concepts... My goal was set years before I ever found success, in fact I could hardly ever win small tournaments hosted for NA locals called SECS each week.

This leads me to all the heartless comments of being a has-been, being a blog-boy, being a loser. I don't really mind those things because I know truly in my heart that I met my dream. I attended TI, I competed with my heroes, I got my beta key from the man himself Icefrog. I worked hard to become someone who I was not; a leader, a professional player and it hurt so much. The pain of competing is unlike anything else and taking the responsibilities of being a captain amplify that 10x. Every mistake, every defeat, every criticism is yours to bare and yours alone.

When I went to TI for the first time I was in heaven. Everything about it made me feel that all those efforts, struggle, and turmoil was worth it. I didn't speak to anyone but my team for the event, I carefully planned my moves and my strategies. I didn't take a moment to rest because this is what it was all for. I loved playing, I loved the competition, I loved the stage, the people, the players, everything. I loved sharing with you guys with my blogs all the insights I had developed and learned over this hardcore dedication of mine. It was rewarding... People recognized that it wasn't something everyone was willing to do as a competitive player. I truly cared about people and how they could improve and form teams and hoped to inspire those of you who had dreams like mine. I wanted to make you guys skip through all of the painful experiences that I had learned.

When I had lost TI, I was happy... I was not sad at all compared to the usual. It was due to the fact that I felt complete and it was over. I had no regrets at that moment, I loved everyone around me and felt that I could go home and become the son/brother/cousin I never was or the person I was meant to be, that I had shaved a layer of myself and could move on. I wanted to say to go home and ask my parents if they were proud of me. I wanted to change my life and become an adult. I wanted to meet someone and interact with others because it was such a lonely life. I realized the fame and the money was not worth sacrificing anymore. Why be successful if you have no one to share it with?

Promptly after TI my sights were not set on another. I wasn't renewed. You look at Team Liquid at TI, after winning the biggest event in the esports world for the biggest prize. Emotionless... We all cheered and boomed, we wanted to see our heroes dance and sing and scream at the top of their lungs. It all ties into what I've been saying. Once we reach goals, we have to decide if we want to reach another in the same field or not. Kuro said it so eloquently in his players tribune article (look it up, it's amazing).

For me... the future was important again. I came up in a time where there was no salary, a lot of random sponsorship drawbacks aside from the reputation and prize pools were so low. I played for the love of the game and for the passion, but once I had used every ounce of myself to achieve my goals I was free.

Go ahead and call me a loser or a has been. To myself, I am a winner. When I look back at the things I've accomplished as a professional gamer I only have fond memories.

Moving forward, I've been getting myself back to where I should be at this age. I am older, and life has it's demands, I reached my goals and I found so much more to love than being a competitor. I would absolutely love to share my experience and passion with this community. Dota will always be a part of me, I've been playing it exclusively for nearly a decade. I watch, I play, I compete, for the sake of it. It's just who I am.

I would love to have opportunities to cast and panel and it would be my greatest honor to attend TI, though it is such a pipe dream. Many others deserve this far more than I do. I'm not asking for that. I just want to share with the community and have an honest attempt at sharing perspectives. It's the most efficient to blog it out so people can refer and understand.

The only thing I care about is that people understand that players have lives too and the outspoken negativity towards them should at least come with a little bit of understanding.

So meme on! I laugh when Synd dies too. When Jimmy makes a fail, when Bulba assassinates a team. But at the end of the day, if they succeed I will truly be happy for them because I know it wasn't easy, no matter how it may look.

-Fluff

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