Hey sweet heart @Calum5SOS , yes I’m back, I’m writing to you again but i’m doing that because I really need. In November I wrote something to you and yes my promise was going good till 2014 my depression was more hard and hard, I tried so many times to kill myself and I still here and I don’t know why, but yeah everyone knows that you are the reason, the only reason to smile, to stay breathing, to everything, so lets try to do that again and I wont give up on you, so now I will show you the letter that I wrote in November:

Dear Calum,
Nights , Mornings , afternoons , hours , minutes , seconds , the days pass but the depression stays and it’s really hurting, it's a feeling that I just wanna kill and it’s something that have possession of you but the only person that can make this pain stay calm is you Calum, in a dark day you’re the only one who illuminates my day and In a bright day you shine more than the sun. Everyday I think about what are your thoughts, feelings and wishes and everyday I ask myself if I’m something to you but the answer is more quickly that my question and yes I know I’m just another fan with a depression which takes a refuge in someone but you’re the best refuge because with you I feel loved, respected and understood but it’s just one more fertile thought in my head. Everyday I think which would be my words when I meet you what would be your reaction when you saw me and how would be your face when I said to you “ lifesaver”…
It’s not stupid saying to you that I love you more than myself because it’s true because you keep me going. It’s an horrible feeling the blade in my skin but sometimes it's more stubborn than me but when I think about Calum Hood it’s like the blade has broken and it will never be the same again rip my skin one more time…
Death is one thought who fills my head , Calum Hood one thought with color and sence. Lot of people don’t know that I have a problem which you put the pain in yourself and that you can't control the anxiety and its called Trichoillomania and a few days ago I cut my whole hair to stop the trouble but it didn't stop and it hurts.. Sometimes I think that you wont like me because I'm a fat, tall girl without hair and it makes me so sad but when your voice get in my head and says “ you’re strong and you're gonna change and be happy “ and my stupid thought disappears.I’ve been asked if something happened, a bad thing to you and I just have tears in my face and you know why? Because I can’t do anything for you but you saved me.
If you read this someday my whole life will be complete , because you already know how much you're important to me.
Here I promise you will never put a blade in my skin anymore , here I promise you I’ll be stronger than Trichotillomania and here I promise you I’ll not give up on my dream, hug you. Thank You Calum, I love you and everyone knows it and I hope you’re reading my little words for you because you already know right now. @Calum5SOS

Love, Maria aka @punkrockscalum ❤️❤️

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