I know most of you probably don't care about me at all. Don't even try to kid yourself, you don't. But I just wanted to ask the One Direction fandom if anyone else felt this way:

I think I need to detach myself from this fandom. I know what you're thinking "A TRUE DIRECTIONER WOULD NEVER LEAVE THE BOYS." I know. But the problem is, I love the boys more than I should. I care way too much about them. I stay up all night for them. They distract me from sleeping/studying/living a normal life. I have become a totally different person since discovering One Direction. Sort of good, sort of bad. I avoid people now a days. I care a lot more about what people think of me and my appearance. I hide in my room. I swear a lot more. I spend a lot of money on the boys. I get in Fights with my family because I want to do something One Direction related but they are trying to stop me.

Honestly, I can't really find anything good about becoming a fan. I found good music. I love music. I fucking love music. It's times like these, when I crawl up in my shell and hide, listening to Ed Sheehan or other songs of his genre. There is a slim chance I will ever meet the boys, and I know I shouldn't lose hope, but I also shouldn't obsess over it. 

So, I kind of want to be just a regular everyday fan of their music, because I am afraid i might end up hurting myself. I'm legitimately scared. If One Direction ever broke up, in the devotion i live in, I would probably kill myself. I'm not even kidding. I swear. I don't want to be as involved because I don't want to have my emotions pulled around everywhere like they are. I have nonexistent friendships with people who only know me because of the boys. I kind of want to go back to the girl I was before One Direction. I was always well rested, I got straight a's, I was generally very happy, I socialized, I went outside, I spent less time on the Internet, I had more money. 

I love the boys a lot. Trust me. Please trust me with this. I know you probably don't believe me, but I do. All I want to do, is be close to them. As in, someone they can trust. Who they think of as more than just a fan. All of us want that, but it's become something really bad for me. I've cried over these boys. I pretend that they are actually with me like imaginary friends. (that makes me sound like a lunatic #IDGAF).

I really should be focusing more on my singing career. The only thing I want to do is sing. I want to audition for American Idol and see how far I get. If I don't get anywhere, well then obviously my dreams are crushed, and I'll just go into art or technical education or something like that. But I'd rather be more focused on trying to get myself out there and noticed. But instead, I sit on twitter, refreshing my feed, spamming boys who will never notice me. 

THINK ABOUT THIS: If the boys have tweeted, followed, or noticed you, whatever, how will that help you in your life? I know it feels amazing to be noticed by your idol.

@JSanchezAI11 Rted, faved, and replied to me, @EVanPeltAI11 Replied to me, @HDayAI11 replied to me, @theshaneharper follows me, @carlyraejepsen follows me.

All of those felt like I was floating on air... But it's not really anything to be proud of. No one is going to care, to be honest. Your boss at McDonalds is not going to care that "LIAM PAYNE FOLLOWED ME ASDFGHJKL". Seriously. 

I realized this. 

Finally. 

I just want to be less involved with 5 boys who have changed my life forever, and more involved with my own life.

Also, have you guys heard/read this twitlonger? I don't know who wrote it, but someone saved it after she deleted it so here it is again:

"ok so i think the girl who originally posted this twitlonger deleted it. but i still had the tab with it open,so i just copied and pasted it onto here for the people who still havent read it and wanted to :) 

okay so I had this tumblr account before but it got hacked but that's not important. I had that account since the beginning of the year and I always had this girl put things in my ask box about the boys. creepy accurate things. like she knew the boys would win a brit. like she was sure of it. and she knew the boys would be on icarly and that the boys were doing a tour in america BEFORE THEY EVEN CONFIRMED IT. I'd always ignore it bc um its creepy as f u c k. And I was scared I mean come on of course I would be. Like this girl knew about the niall/harry switch from april and she told me like what the actual fuck. SHE LITERALLY KNOWS EVERYTHING. so today she told me some interesting and creepy things. about the boys. and management. I'm gonna copy and paste them.




ask #1 -

The boys are being took over by Management not the fans. Management controls everything they do where they go, want their a loud to say in interviews and Management have a secret themselves.(I'm just getting started and no I'm not creepy I just can't have Management find me again) xx



ask #2 -



I'll start with Management 2 people that are members of the boys team were once apart of pop star 'Brittany Spears" Management team in 02-06 her wild days. She was an Independent till they ruined her. She was brainwashed and became sick and depressed and very harmful to people and herself. Almost like being Possessed. Thats all I'm gonna say. Listen to "Britney Spears - Rebellion" she'll tell you herself and no it has nothing to do with Illuminati. I'll leave you an ask about each boy. xxx




ask #3 -



Louis- Louis has been living in a very bad situation from what I heard this is the only thing I have no true proof of. All I know is his family knows and Management and the boys know but Eleanor does not know. His secret may not even be told till One Direction come to a finish so this I won't know for years. But he's living a lie.



ask #4 -



Zayn- All I will say is he isn't who you think he is and the fans or jokes have nothing to do with him leaving twitter. And you get very skinny when you do drugs I'm not sure the exact drug but I know it has to do with that.



ask #5 -



Liam and Niall don't have as much to do with Management. I'm sure you know about the switch and thats all Niall is in. I know you love him so just to let you know He's happy with the switch and doesn't mind.



ask #6 -



Harry- I could get in so much trouble for revealing anything about him so all I say is he's happy and ok and can't wait to tell you guys his secret.




ask #7 -




Zerrie- Zerrie is fake. During The XFactor they truly did love each other but they ended. Management found out about how Zayn sleeps around and didn't want to ruin the image they built and of course Little Mix is under the same Management that makes Zerrie even easier for them. Zayn his lying to all the people he's Kiked. Notice how everyone always made fun of him but the same day people find a video of him trying to hook up he deletes. Not really a coincidence,he knows what he does.



ask #8 -




Elounor- Is so fake. And if you don't think so Wake Up all the evidence is there Eleanor is a beard.




ask #9 -



For fame people will do ANYTHING just to make sure they seem flawless and perfect. I'm worried that the boys will lose themselves. They love the fans and don't hate you their scared your finding out the truth. Notice how fame has ruined a lot of celebs. I know you think I'm some creep but I'm not. If you have a question just ask and please don't say anything. You may not believe me so I'll let you watch it happen. Even with everything I know theres still things we'll never know about the boys xx




OKAY normally I would be like ummmmm but since she's told me things and they've come true , I'm a bit scared idk. all this stuff is giving me anxiety and I do believe that management do take advantage of the boys and they make the boys not tell the truth AND I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE'S TELLING ME THIS. DOES SHE EXPEXT ME TO SAVE THE WORLD. IS THIS MY DESTINY I DON'T KNOW BUT I ACTUALLY KIND OF BELIEVE HER IDK I AM GOING CRAZY."

I can't help but believe this, and it hurts. I am legitimately on the verge of crying because there is so much drama, and so many lies. 

I just don't want to ruin my life by doing something stupid over a boyband. 

I'm sorry.

I love Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, and Zayn Malik. But I don't know who they really are...

It's my dream to meet them and be able to know them like family, but thats nearly impossible, so I'm going to try to live my life.

....... And that's it. 

If anyone else feels this way, PLEASE SPEAK UP!! WE NEED TO BE HEARD!

#MisunderstoodDirectioners

Love, @esmithAI13

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